look no pants
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just gift wrapped bread.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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