yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm going to jail i love you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
