My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
NoShamevember. You game?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
