i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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