just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
