We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
