Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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