i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
