i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
