From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
