Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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