My liver just broke up with me...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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