hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
