If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I supernannyed him into submission
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
