I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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