The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
