She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
