You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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