Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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