Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
