I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
