i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We left the knife in your bed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You should frame my arrest warrant.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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