I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
