its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
