I need to stop coming to work sober
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
In America we eat man semen.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
