I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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