Welp...herpes.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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