When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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