after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
