I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
