Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
