you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
