I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
