You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
