so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
