3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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