Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
