So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
