Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
false alarm. still invincible.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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