i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
