Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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