Tell her she can't have a vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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