Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
