i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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