The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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