Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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