when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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