If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
