Dude my mom stole all your condoms
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
