I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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